*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
You Might Also Like
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I gave up going to work for lent.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills