One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.