Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.