customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??