Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
bout dat hot dog summer
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.