Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err