Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen