Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer