My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
my dad when a sex scene comes on
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see