Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works