Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!