Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
my one true gender
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.