The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Encore…
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that