Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
You Might Also Like
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Netflix: We have Less
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.