If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Hot hot hot 🥵
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.