aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?