What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.