[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders