Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
if my sleeping schedule was a person
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
How software testing works
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Velcrow
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
i like to flex on them by shrugging
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.