Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf