GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where