*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
You Might Also Like
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”