Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM