I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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prepare for carbonated trouble
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
And that鈥檚 why you clean your room, kids.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
i鈥檓 in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I鈥檓 really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I鈥檝e never interacted with or thought about before.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it鈥檚 so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we鈥檙e learning the alphabet
kid: that鈥檚 easy
me: no it鈥檚 A-Z idiot
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.