If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.