LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”