I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.