me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Rich people don’t understand cereal