A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Knock Knock
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for