Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I think I’ll stand
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
This rocks
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.