Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Haha good job!!
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
CUTE CAT‼︎
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right