My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Who.
Did.
This?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill