I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
We decided to have money instead of children.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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