I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.