I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You Might Also Like
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
How about daylight saves us for once
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Wednesday
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”