wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
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Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.