Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT