Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.