If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
You Might Also Like
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…