I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?