Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?