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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.