Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.