“We will wed,” I threatened
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.