My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes