Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*