Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.