Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Breaking news:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.