Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*