Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.